Saturday, Mar 29th "Someone to close his eyes for you, someone to close his heart"

Reading: Same; it's long Music: Very personal Mood: I can't tell really

Do you know this Dylan song...? Well, every time I start this way with my friends they give me a blank look. No, I don't really say this anymore, except with A, who does know Dylan, since my HS friend said he never heard "Knockin' on Heaven's Door." So anyway, there's a Dylan song called "It Ain't Me, Babe." I know he sings it coldly and cynically, or maybe just defensively, but I still love it. Because it's still what I subconsciously expect, you know. So I apparently wouldn't make a good Dylan girlfriend but at least he'd understand me! And he'd know why he hates me, well. After this I feel obliged to explain that I'm not clingy, not really. And I never dreamed about actually being with Dylan either. My love is purely spiritual, you know.

Friday, Mar 28th "'Cause when I look down I just miss all the good stuff/ And when I look up I just trip over things"

Reading: Dukaj. For a long time I haven't read such difficult fantasy which you actually need to concentrate for; he's more careful of language than most 'serious' writers Music: Fanatically Mood: Don't get me started

I love this quote above. Of course, it's very general but somehow it just captures perfectly how I feel. No, not too good. She might have sung it carelessly but for me it just describes the Difficulty, you know? And while I'm normally the kind of person to whom "But you don't really care for music, do ya" applies a lot [you tend to notice this about yourself if you're surrounded by music maniacs] recently I feel that music is the only thing keeping me sane. Precisely there's something about "Elephant Gun" by Beirut and a certain song by Nosowska that soothes me and boy, do I need this now. Yeah, a drama queen, am I not. Evening already. I took a slow day. I did some cosmetics related shopping in a mall and then got off the train a station earlier to take a long walk home - complete with 40-minute-long wait in the post office. By the way, I love malls, their glitter and glamour, they are so pleasing visually; but I don't understand why many people doing shopping there seem to think there's something inherently cool and ennobling about being in a mall.

Monday, Mar 24th Easter

Reading: Nothing today. I spent too much time reading small letters off the computer screen Music: A certain cover that's been growing on me lately more and more. I so much enjoy its roughness J Mood: Decadent; this Easter has been pure decadence in terms of work done

I believe I could learn to enjoy party-crashing. We were to a wedding yesterday. Well, we did have an invitation but personally I didn't know a single person, only the bride by sight. But maybe for this reason it was actually a lot of fun because when you don't know people you don't care what they think. They had live musicians, if you could call those people that, and they played a selection of well-known tunes - and it was a job to recognize them correctly because even I heard how much out of tune they were and that has to mean something. Lyrics didn't help because the chorus of what was supposedly "Living Next Door to Alice" went "Hmph hmph hphm alice"; but that was probably better than his pretending to know English anyway. Still, we danced a lot and uninhibitedly. And today I watched "Spirited Away." It was pretty sweet really, a lovely quirky fairy tale with some stunning visual ideas though maybe plot-wise it could benefit from a little twist here and there. But those who said I'd like it were right. I also caught the ending of "The Man Who Knew Too Little" on TV; I've seen it a few times but it always manages to make me laugh. Bill Murray doing the Russian dance is so unpretentiously hilarious.

Thursday, Mar 20th First Day of Spring According to Google

Reading: Finishing. It takes surprisingly long though Music: The rest of McDonald's record. She's really good at upbeat songs Mood: Messy; not bad though

Let's settle this once and for good. This is my short hair. Everything previously was long. Sorry for the blatant filtering but the photo was out of focus. And now I'll stop with photo posting. Believe it or not but it's so not me. I mean doing this because it's me in the photos alright. Yesterday I heard for the second time that I have to concentrate. While it's a million-dollar-worth advice I think I'd figure it alone. But I have only this amount of concentration and for now it seems taken up by different things. But I have managed a logo design which got praised. I did need that. And: Easter break. Yay.

Tuesday, Mar 18th "Always something on her mind/ Every single day"

Reading: Same Music: Amy McDonald's "Mr Rock N Roll." I heard it on the radio and pretty much loved it. It's about as good as pop gets - and most of pop is dreadful, of course. She's got a cool voice, only I kind of wish it had a more definitely optimistic ending Mood: Bipolar

Is it really possible to read my yesterday post and say it's optimistic? Well. On absurdities. I read an article about the difference between normal hen farms where chickens are kept in cages so that they can't move an inch and ecological farms where they roam about. And a lady who apparently owned the former kind said: "It's not really cruel to the hens because they are genetically modified so that they don't even want to move." Seriously. Leaves me speechless. But wouldn't it save the genetic engineers lots of work to cut off the hens' legs? In the same free newspaper there was an article about China and Tibet and how the world does not react to Chinese aggressive behavior. I cannot help but suspect that millions and millions of dollars already invested in the Olympics in China have something to do with this taciturnity. It was a tiresome day. Full of ups and downs.

Monday, Mar 17th St. Patrick's Day

Reading: Same Music: Back to Campbell and Lanegan for a while. I do like it so. I'm also listening to a bunch of depressive sing-along songs like "Me and Bobby McGee" right now. I love singing this one when no one's around. It incidentally fits my mood right now, and even the lyrics, metaphorically... Mood: Tangled up in blue

Well, I had a pretty nice day, if you call nice eight hours spent among the fumes of acid, printing paint and denaturant. I'll never get my nails clean now but making etching prints was alright enough, with the studio assistant very helpful and sufficiently mischievous. Somehow, maybe because of the weather and maybe not, the world seemed full of possibilities. But now I'm home, exhausted, I've checked mail and done the usual internet round, figured out how much work I won't manage to do, and the world seems full of possibilities, but possibilities I'll never even see, with my constant procrastination and indecision. Like closed oysters. Yes, oysters. No, I don't know where I take those stupid comparisons from. And I think I use too many commas.

Friday, Mar 14th "Blue as a girl can be"

Reading: Twain's "Yankee," fun enough though sins with too much preaching sometimes; I still prefer his short stories Music: A selection of sad things, somehow, with a particular preference for "Matters of the Heart," which is one of the most perfect songs ever, I stand by that Mood: Haven't you figured

I can't get anything done. I don't know what's wrong but I just get down to something, do it and find out the results suck. Or more often I don't get down to it at all. Also, I can't eat too well. It sometimes happens to me and helps me stay slim enough but the recent lack of grip begins to irritate me. I wish something thrilling and exciting happened and put me back on tracks. Or else I'll fail all my obligations. Several hours later. I remembered that saying "Be careful what you wish for." Maybe I shouldn't wish for excitement and elation. After all, I may be thrillingly hit by a truck and got my bones broken in exciting places. So maybe I should just stick to the mundane and the depressive and forget the longing of the heart. Always rely on me to stick in something pompous.

Sunday, Mar 9th "Time for some thrilling heroics" [no, not really]

Reading: "The Idiot" by Dostoyevski [how do you spell him, people?] in an audiobook version - the best version for slow 19th century novels, I find. Not bad only slow Music: Cornelis Vreeswijk's "Veronica" but in Dutch version, which prevents me from singing along. If you lived with me you would be happy about it but since you don't perhaps you have a Swedish version? It's such a beautiful, beautiful song. Another one of those things that touch just the right spots in me. Metaphorically speaking, of course Mood: Sort of emotional

Scott Adams not only writes one of the funniest cartoons ever [the other day I was making a fool of myself reading a collection in a bookstore and laughing out loud] but also has written a great analogy about the ban on public smoking which is a final argument for me. Here. Keep your sticks away from me.

Friday, Feb 29th The Extra Day

Reading: Majgull Axelsson's "Slumpvandring." Similarly powerful to "Aprilhaxan" I once read with similar focus on sex and social matters, which I somehow view as typically Swedish, and a powerful female point of view [she reminds me Atwood in that and you know that's a high praise coming from me]. I'm only slightly irritated by the obviousness bordering on mechanicality of the parallels between the three women's fates Music: A mix of things. Nothing new though, sort of my all time classics Mood: Uneven but somewhat depressed and I don't know why

We just returned from "No Country for Old Men" which was recommended to me enthusiastically by a few people. Well. It's unusual for an Oscar winner, that for sure, but I don't think it is what I really look for in a movie. Just to name a few flaws, I hated the cheap trick with sudden loud shots that make you jump in your chair. It's okay once or twice but every time Anton appeared the sound explosion was there too, like in some kind of a cheap B-class horror. As you may well know if you ever read me before, I don't like slow movies as a rule. This one did not bore me as much as it might because it has a sort of gripping atmosphere but the bits with dialogues when it becomes talky definitely should be better written [as in interesting]. And the Jones' character was exactly the kind of character I don't like: uninvolving and redundant, and Jones' acting doubled it. I cared more about motel receptionists than him - which can be justified [he's getting old and thus is redundant or something] but then again what can't be. Of course, the strongest part of the movie is that of Anton, surprisingly well-cast and powerful enough to make you keep watching the movie [together with the dim hope for something really stunning], not only interesting in a faintly unpleasant way but also opening field for metaphoric analysis. But as he focuses the whole spotlight the rest of the movie turns more bland. And no, I'm not too crazy about the ending even though it was the first time I've ever been to a movie when I was surprised when the lights went on. I guess whether you like it depends on whether you think surprise and unconventionality are valuable enough to appear at the price of a receiver's satisfaction. I much prefer when they go together.

Monday, Feb 25th "And Matilda is the defendant, she killed about a hundred"

Reading: See below Music: "Tom Traubert's Blues" [still so perfect] and a set of other mood-y songs. Today I had a dream with Bob Dylan and a church and somebody was getting married, but not us, I think. It doesn't have much to do with music but it's fun Mood: Alrighty. Whoops, wrote this last time

I'm now reading Kundera's "Unbearable Lightness of Being." People have been mentioning this to me sometimes [like, two people] and finally made me feel guilty, intellectually guilty, about not knowing this. But I'm so tired of books about cheating! It would really help my psyche to read something where the male protagonist is faithful and because he feels the need to do so. And of course it would have to be written by a guy and not the kind who only writes such things because he knows that's what women want to read [and then puts a stiletto on the pink cover and cashes in checks]. Has there really been nothing exciting about faithful love since "Tristan and Iseult"? Yeah, yeah, I know it's all about cheating but when Tristan cheats he dies. Which is just about right. Very uplifting. AND ON VIDEOS. K told me about this Beirut's video and how good it is and though I hate when people are right* she was right. It's got a lot of atmosphere which is seriously erotic at that. Seriously - and I don't mean the trunks. But I love most the bits with ballet like choreography. In combination with the music it really does it for me. But have I ever told you about my favorite music video? Well, here it is, absolutely perfect in its breath-taking beauty [and even despite the electronic music]. Of course, the crappy YouTube doesn't do it any justice with its pixels the size of my head [my relationship with this site is much closer to hate than love even though I admit its usefulness] but it's definitely the closest a video's ever come to touching me. It makes me believe that artistic filming is not only people pouring water into glasses. Frankly, if I did something like this I would feel so happy. It sounds bland but it's true. * I don't really mind it when people are right. Some people.

Monday, Feb 18th "That was some pretty risky sittin' you did there"

Reading: Same; it's really good but I'm not sure yet if it's my personal masterpiece Music: So I tried what everyone does: I put just about everything into Winamp and played it with the shuffling mode. But I'm not sure if it works for me. Or rather I'm pretty sure it doesn't Mood: Alrighty

So I went back to school and stayed till three while I'd hoped to only have the topic given. But for compensation everyone noticed my shortened hair and said it looked good. See, some-people-I-won't-mention-by-name? That's the right reaction. And even if you don't like it you don't pretend not to have noticed but say "Oh, you've cut your hair. Cool" and everyone is happy. So. Why oh why was "Firefly" so short-lived? To torture me, I'm sure. It left me with a hole, wanting for more episodes... even though of course I'd known the show had been cancelled before it actually started. Also, the internet is full of nice people who want to marry me. How about that. Best wishes to my brother. Just about the most messy entry I've done in a long time.

Friday, Feb 15th On Fame

Reading: "The God of Small Things"; it has already wowed me a few times with very ingenious little phrases thrown in as if carelessly. Could be one of the best books ever; could go wrong. We'll see Music: "Tom Traubert's Blues"; it's so pretty Mood: Really fine

These days when fame has become synonymous with happiness I must admit the universal desire to be a celebrity strikes me as unbearably juvenile. In my mind the vision of fame is inseparably linked with the vision of a psyched pervert searching my trash. And of paparazzi blocking the whole sidewalk when I only want to buy bread in the morning - generally, this in not my vision of happiness and I don't know how this can be an incentive rather than an obstacle to people who want to be rock stars. Or actors. It actually bothers me that currently any huge success, even in such an unglamorous field as literature, is accompanied by people knowing your name and speculating about your bank account. But certainly fame is a spectral value with, say, Madonna on the one end and me on the other. So rather than turning the spectrum 180 degrees [how would you like that Madonna? more than me, I'm sure] I'd rather advance a few [okay, several hundred, alright] steps to the position named Milton Glaser. Before I got seriously into design I didn't really know who he was but now I'd like to be him one day. Well, not look-wise but it would satisfy me more-than-just-enough to be known and admired for my work by the people who actually care about it. Just that. Thank you in advance. I took a week off school because I felt I really needed it and it did feel great to just, you know, sit at home. Do nothing really. Today the sunlight was so pretty and I would've certainly missed that at school. Unfortunately, on Monday I have to go back.

Monday, Feb 11th "No letters in the mailbox"

Reading: Still Eco but almost done Music: "The Songs of Leonard Cohen" I think. Some Cohen at any rate Mood: Tired

Oh, "Firefly" is so cool. It's about the closest thing I've seen in a long time which actually answers to the label Cool. The crazy idea [cowboy space odyssey? Star Trek in the Wild West?], the character-based humor, the great casting... it all fits. But still I love most how they wear Texan clothing in the spaceship. Oh yeah. It's no Angel but man it's close. Somebody should capture Joss Whedon and clone him and make an army of show-writing geniuses, kept in a basement and fed in return for new episodes of their shows. Go my minions, go. I also saw "Twelve Monkeys," which R thinks is the best movie ever [or does he; that's what he claims anyway and it sounds better than "Scary Movie"] but it left me wanting for a definite answer. Who was crazy? What was real? I just don't know.

Thursday, Feb 7th Rest Day

Reading: Eco's essays. Old but still readable Music: Cohen's "Tonight Will Be Fine." I like Johnny Cash-like character of it. Or something like lighter early Dylan Mood: Really alright

The exam session is over and except for the multimedia irritation it was a good and successful one. And if you ever need to relax here's my advice: give yourself a photo session. Only make sure there's no one present and you can try out all the silliest poses you've ever admired in trash magazines, a never-ending fun really. By the way, the photo on the right is history already because I finally cut my hair. Whatever people might say, deep inside I feel I'm a short-haired kind of person. Well, now on the outside too, that is. And now I'm planning to watch "Firefly" pilot. It just can't be bad, can it? And perhaps "Ergo Proxy" episode even though I still have no idea what's going on it this show.

Wednesday, Jan 30th "Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did"

Reading: Some juvenile thing by Yoshimoto Banana. When I read Japanese stuff I always see it in anime-like decorations Music: "Man in the Long Black Coat" by Mark Lanegan. I've heard so many Dylan's covers [he IS the most covered musician, isn't he?] that I'm only mildly interested in new ones. But if Lanegan published any Dylanesque record I'd really want to have it. This one is better than the original, I daresay. Mood: Really angry and frustrated

Ugh! I'm so angry. I got completely misunderstood in my multimedia class. I've been writing little games instead of making movies because I'm just allergic to yet-another-pseudoartistic-movie where a misty figure is walking in a misty beach or water is dripping into a glass and it's oh-so-deep shit only no one can watch it. So I was writing those games with my brother and I was really pleased with the results - they were funny small things but well-developed and thought out with good music and original animation. The assistant teachers accepted them but then to the exam comes a professor emeritus who thinks these are movies and not very good ones because the same thing is happening all the time! It's like you said about Tetris [all the respectful proportions maintained] that the plot is a little uninvolving. And there's just no discussing with him. I understand he's not played too many games in his life but... why is he teaching such a subject? And I was really beginning to like the subject. Just ugh. I have deserved an episode of "Ergo Proxy" for all this frustration.

Monday, Jan 28th "Going to the carnival tonight on Desolation Row"

Reading: Same Music: "Tom Traubert's Blues" by Tom Waits. Of course, I knew Rod Stewart's version but this one's so much better, very sad but very powerful Mood: Bad. I've had a tiresome and frustrating day

On social events. Some time ago we went to see "Elizabeth." It wasn't my choice but I did love one thing in the movie, namely the costumes: I so want one of those dresses. Cate Blanchett was also pretty good, very attractive though I think in a lesbian-like way more than as a powerful male-attractor. She seems too thin for that but maybe I'm wrong. But, of course, I had the same objection as ever but even stronger: the dialogues! They went on and on even though I knew immediately the conclusion - not because I'm so smart but because it was obvious. Well, ok, I'm smart. Anyway, even though all movies are too long and almost all movie dialogues are boring this resembled a caricature. Writing about the movie dragging on I realized that my cultural comments tend to repeat and this one won't be any different but I don't have anything new to say on electronic music. And I happened to witness a concert [performance?] of it in a hyper avant-garde club last weekend. Now, if you think I'm only saying this because I don't understand modern art, and especially music, I won't even argue. I suspect it simply takes a special constitution to enjoy a combination of a drill, a blender and a malfunctioning washing machine, which I lack. And then visualizations which seem considered an obligatory element of a concert: what the hell are they for? Of course, I realize their visual potential but never have I seen it realized in the set of random repetitive pictures imitating the feeble rhythm of a "song." So yeah, I guess I'm not the right person to appreciate modern cultural events. I just like things to make sense, I'm old-fashioned like that.

Friday, Jan 25th "Shining happy people"

Reading: Anchee Min's thing about Mao's wife. It's somewhat pretentious and morally objectionable but a good read Music: Tom Waits. A little too bluesy but some songs are enjoyable Mood: Bleh

Happy people, people who exhibit their happiness to everyone around are like an exhibitionist who flashes his penis in your face: obscene; and faintly disgusting. You all know them. They answer the How-do-you-do question with "Great, I'm in this perfect relationship with this handsome artist and traveller who's making money and writing his PhD and I guess we'll start talking about the wedding soon!"; they put up holiday smiley photos on the web and sign them "May we all be always that young and happy." It so makes me want to comment back "Whatever, you're still fat." Only I don't, of course. Now, I'm not saying people shouldn't be happy. They should. Behind the closed doors, politely wearing a troubled mask in public. ... I'm just tired.

Thursday, Jan 17th "Beat to someone else's drum"

Reading: Vargas Llosa's "Los travesuras de la nina mala." It's different than I expected, extremely readable and enjoyable: almost pulp with all the picaresque adventures and lots [lots, even by my standards] of sex scenes of all kinds. But the unrealistic grotesque image of the woman to me undermines all attempts to discuss anything seriously, like the concept of romantic love. This woman is so unrealistic and actually nonexistent that she cannot be an argument for or against anything Music: See below Mood: Not bad because today I've managed to complete photography assignment; analogous photography is so pointless. Will they make us learn cave painting next?

The weirdest thing has happened to me recently and that is obsession. Obsession about the record "Ballad of the Broken Seas" by Mark Lanegan and Isobell Campbell. I didn't know any of them before, I found Lanegan on "I'm Not There" soundtrack and really liked his vocals and this led me to Ballad. At first I was put off by the lady's voice but I returned to it and it has so much climate, despite - thanks to? - the extreme simplicity. I can listen to it over and over again and now I can't believe I disliked it at first because the two voices complete perfectly. I wish at least one tenth of all the random things I listen to made such an impression on me as "Do You Wanna" or the incredible "Ramblin' Man." If you only want to listen to one 2007 record [no, I don't know why you would] definitely, definitely don't miss out on this one. It's sweet, touching, relaxing and impressive, even the pretentious bits don't matter. The whining one is telling you that it's good and that has to mean something.

Tuesday, Jan 8th "A beauty to behold like a diamond in the coal"

Reading: "The Memoirs of a Survivor" by Doris Lessing. She's good at atmosphere but too poetic for my taste. Atwood is in a way similar but cooler. Give her a Nobel prize, won't you? Music: "Van Lear Rose" by Loretta Lynn, thanks B if you sometimes read it. Thanks even if you don't. What a cool song, and yes, it's country but I've already come out so I'm not even ashamed. I love it when she sings "Your mama, she's the Van Lear Rose" - what a great emphatic effect; and what a cool accent. A nice story too Mood: Not bad because I've been praised profusely at the photography class - and I was so afraid of photography!

Yep, "Fahrenheit" was no good at all after 70% of the plot. It's as if someone told the creators to wrap it up when they were just beginning to enjoy themselves so they vengefully packed the ending with any absurdity they could come up with: mean AI under the form of a yellow disassembled robot, catatonic magical child, benign homeless conspiracy, radiating space artifacts and apocalypse. They only forgot about some explanation. I still don't know where the cold was coming from. I read a review which said that if you want to play only one adventure game in your life consider "Fahrenheit." Now, I don't know why you'd make such a strange vow but if you did consider "Titanic" instead. Yesterday as I was making prints my friend smiled and said "Oh, how lovely you look." Now, I hadn't taken much care with my clothes or anything but I thought "Green must really be my color" and I thanked her with the pleasant surprise that always welcomes an unexpected compliment. At that she seemed a little embarrassed but didn't say anything. And then I went to the bathroom to wash off a coating of printing paint from my hands and saw that my face was also covered with layers of black paint. Talk about disappointment. And today at history of art when they showed Parisienne [see the picture] my other friend said it looked like me. I think I need a haircut or something. And for your information, no, I don't look like a syphilitic ancient prostitute with an unnaturally flat eye. Or at least that's how I'm fooling myself.

Sunday, Jan 6th "Wicked loving lies"

Reading: "Pearl" by Steinbeck; probably not his best thing but he never falls short of my linguistic expectations Music: "Silver Dagger" by Joan Baez from Dylan's concert. Folk rocks, despite the contradiction in terms Mood: Frantically busy - so why am I writing, huh?

Unwelcome and unnecessary after Christmas, winter has come and made going out full of veritable sufferings. Whatever you think of it, breathing shouldn't hurt. It's just wrong. Accidentally, but very much in tune with the weather conditions, we spent most of yesterday playing "Fahrenheit" and what a good game it seems to be [up to 70% of the story; my brother says it's no good after that]. I particularly like two things: the movie-like elements and the gameplay in which if you have to hide something you have to do it now and not once you've had a look at everything around [as is in adventure games]. Some things in this game resemble my idea for a more realistic adventure game but shush, that's secret. And after several hours with "Fahrenheit" I've had an assemblage of chase dreams in the weirdest of which I was one of the Bronte sisters [Charlotte, I think] who've gone berserk and were murdering each other with knives. We got Anne but she shot me with her poisoned blades. Actually, I always thought I was more of an Emily.

Tuesday, Jan 1st [2008] Happy New Year

Reading: "Agnes Grey" by yet another Bronte sister. I like the no-good-things-to-say portrayal of the kids Music: Springsteen's "We Shall Overcome." I'm starting to think of doing a farm-related thing for my anything-goes one-minute topic for the multemedia course Mood: A pity the break's ending but it's been a good one

In the end we didn't go to any party on New Year's Eve and I had the most homey party for quite a few years. I didn't mind all that much, only it reminded me of those times when I did want to go out and had no chance. Mostly in primary school that was, I guess. Instead of partying we watched "Blade Runner: Final Cut." I did see this film before and remembered it as a visually stunning, classy sf. So, goodness me, did they replace the movie while doing the final cutting? What was this pretentious pile of boredom where people walk, waaalk and waaaaaalk and then pronounce some nonsense as if they revealed the Truth about Life? It would all be bearable [visually, I still liked it] if not for the terrible, terrible music. It kept saying: No, don't look for excuses, we do not have any self-distance. So Scott disliked the ending added by producers, didn't he. And where was he when the scene with a pigeon was shot then? That should get a prize for the worst symbolism ever. So tradition of complaining having been fulfilled, let me wish you the best 2008 year, free of anxiety and doubts, full of successes, energy and joy. And back at me please.